


when you say you love me

by syncxpate (bluememory)



Category: SHINee
Genre: Angst, M/M, Partial Second Person POV, Romance, this is my vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-02
Updated: 2019-10-02
Packaged: 2020-11-21 15:14:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20856554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluememory/pseuds/syncxpate
Summary: you miss the way he said hello.





	when you say you love me

**Author's Note:**

> this was my vent fic. just suddenly felt like reposting it.  
for people who haven't read this, i didn't tag any warnings because to me it will affect the feel and flow of the fic  
but i'll add the warnings in the end note if you want to jump there first

_ you miss the way he said hello; lilting and melodic, simple happiness almost palpable, like if you tried hard enough you could touch it, you could keep it. he would wave, smile brimming over with joy; too much, too bright, and you would shake your head, tell him he's ridiculous, too easily pleased. he'd agree, shrug his shoulders carelessly and kiss you without further comment. _

_ you loved that. _

⁂

"kibum!" jonghyun bounced up as kibum came in through the door. like a child, kibum thought, innocent and untouched, his smile still like sunlight. 

kibum's smile in return was irrepressible. "hi," he said, tender. the kind of tenderness that the sharp toothed rivals in the business sales unit of his company never got to see. 

"you're home early," jonghyun observed, and the tilt of his head told kibum he was pleased. 

"i am," kibum agreed. he reached over to draw jonghyun to him, curling an arm around his waist.

"i missed you," he said, dropping his head into jonghyun's shoulder.

"come home early all the time then."

kibum laughed softly and didn't answer, burrowing closer to jonghyun, sharing his warmth.

⁂

_ you think he loved you. _

_ no, you know he did. with every fibre of his soul, someone more romantic would say, with every breath of air he took in. _

_ you think you loved him too, as much as you could, with every scrap you could afford from your ruined, still-beating heart. _

_ he loved you raw, messy, open; bloody almost. like he had torn the love from himself, an animal offering itself as sacrifice. _

_ you loved him clean; carefully cut open; fed to him sliver by sliver. each piece as immaculate as the next, the blood washed off. _

⁂

"why are you with him?" his friends asked him, and under the laconic disinterest, kibum thought he saw a frisson of genuine curiosity. 

"he loves me," kibum replied. he shrugged, as if it was an unimportant kind of statement; trivial in its simplicity. his actions were lies, but they didn't need to know that.

the laughter to the words was galling. "not because _ you _ love him?" that was taemin, forthright, cold, far too intelligent.

"you know i don't do that." the laughter crescendoed at kibum's remark and he wished he understood why it was amusing. he wished they understood that he wanted to love jonghyun, wanted to love him the way jonghyun loved him, wholly, unashamed, reckless, true. but kibum could only love in bits and pieces, not always there, not always real.

⁂

_ he liked to sing in the shower; you remember that sometimes, when the beat of water against your skin calls back a memory of gentle tenor voice and floating notes. you recorded it once, placing your phone just outside the door and you remember playing it back when he came out and laughing as you watched the embarrassment shift across his face. _

_ you hadn't erased it, even when he pleaded, shy giggles falling from his mouth, even when he reached out hands in a tickle attack that left you breathless with laughter. and you're glad now, that you didn't. _

_ in the heavy suffocation some nights bring, his voice is a relief, his voice is a comfort. you wish you could cling to it, the way you used to cling to him. limbs tangled, breath mingled. _

_ when he touched you, it felt like everything broken reknit themselves, held together by the strength of love in his touch. _

_ when he touched you, you were whole. _

⁂

the singer in the rundown little pub in the seedier part of town kibum wasn't supposed to be in was kind of hot. he had the lean muscle kibum always liked to run palms over, a full mouth turned up into an arrogant smirk, and big, lazy eyes pinned curiously on kibum. kibum let his own mouth curl into an answering half-smile and the spark of genuine interest in the singer's eyes was like a promise.

"you have a great voice," kibum said later, sliding into the stool next to the guy. "better than this anyway." he raised his glass of questionable liquor and made a face.

the laugh the dropped from the singer's mouth made kibum's stomach curl. it was almost sensual. "i should hope so," he said.

"i'm jonghyun," he continued. "i don't think i've seen you around here before."

"kibum. and i'd like to think you would remember me."

jonghyun laughed again, and clinked his glass against kibum's. his eyes ran appreciatively over kibum's face and body.

"i'm sure i would."

⁂

_ you wanted him. from the very start. wanted to find out how far you had to push him before his voice would crack, how high he could scream. you wanted him under your hands, between your legs, in your mouth. you wanted this man, from the wrong side of the tracks, walking down a different path. you wanted something new, exciting, a fling, no strings. _

_ and the way he looked at you, you knew he wanted you too. _

_ you weren't supposed to want more. and you think maybe he didn't plan to either. _

⁂

"move in with me," kibum said. and jonghyun looked over, amusement lighting in his eyes. 

"are you still drunk?" 

rolling over, kibum draped himself across jonghyun. "a little, but i'm sober enough. move in with me."

jonghyun chuckled and pressed a kiss onto kibum's bare shoulder. "okay, i'll bite. why?"

"because your apartment is too small, and mine has space." kibum's heart was beating too hard in his chest. his relationship with jonghyun wasn't clear. they fucked and they flirted and sometimes they would cook for each other in the morning after. sometimes jonghyun would spend a day in kibum's apartment, smoking too many cigarettes and judging kibum's movie collection. and sometimes kibum would tell him to stop smoking. but they didn't date, and they didn't meet outside of their apartments and the pub. 

kibum was pretty sure this wasn't something jonghyun wanted, but jonghyun made him feel alive, and he wanted to keep that.

"okay."

"what?"

"you asked. i said okay. don't regret it." there was mischief in the angles of jonghyun's face and kibum's heart was still beating much too hard.

"i won't."

⁂

_ you still remember the first time you went to his apartment. it felt claustrophobic, like the walls were closing in. it was too small; a kitchen, a bedroom, a toilet, half the size of yours maybe, barely any space to breathe. but he looked at you with bright eyes and you realised he was proud of this place. tiny, but clean, spartan but not unwelcoming, at least once you got used to the narrowness. _

_ "you live here?" you asked, and his eyes glimmered at your flabbergasted tone; amusement, not offense. _

_ "i don't earn all that much," he said genially, and then shrugged. "not like you." he stepped forward, smile steady on his mouth; teasing breath against your neck, touching but not. and you grabbed his collar and kissed him and he kissed you back. and when you fell backwards onto the bed, his body pressed to yours, the smallness of the place didn't seem to matter. not when his mouth was on your skin, not when his voice was in your ears, not when he looked at you like you were the most beautiful. _

_ you wanted to burrow beneath his skin, let his bones hold you captive. _

_ in the middle of some nights, you stare at the dark ceiling and let the hours go by without sleep. and you wonder when you'll feel his breath again, when you will feel his touch. _

⁂

they were lying in bed one night when jonghyun told kibum about his past, and as the first few words fell from his lips, kibum knew what they were had gone too far beyond a fling. 

jonghyun came from a family who lived just above the poverty line; a father who too wilfully abandoned them, a mother who refused to cry, simply rolled up her sleeves and worked three jobs. they had enough for survival and school but not for anything else. and jonghyun wanted music. 

kibum listened as jonghyun narrated the trials, all with a serene smile on his face; teaching himself guitar, forming a band, plucking out notes and rhythms and writing songs into the night. then as the rest of the teenagers lost interest, how he would squeeze in time in between school and his after-school ice-cream scooper job to trudge alone to clubs and bars and pubs; beg for a chance to play. 

luck strikes if you work hard enough, and one day it hit.

one pub owner relented and let him try, just five songs, one night. and it was enough. it didn't make him famous, nor catapult him to stardom, but it did give him some recognition, regular gigs, airtime on the radio once or twice, enough money to survive, enough so his mother didn't have to work so hard. enough.

and kibum, notorious coveter of all things beautiful, lush and expensive, wondered what it felt like to want so little, to be satisfied with something less than everything. 

when jonghyun stopped talking, smiled softly and pressed a kiss to kibum's forehead, there was a moment he forgot how to breathe. there was a tightness in his chest, like his heart had grown too big to fit. 

⁂

_ you told him he should be an idol, once, twice. mostly drowsily before you fell asleep, grand plans of conquering the music world, becoming famous, earning a ton of money. and the third time you mentioned it, he told you he didn't want to conquer anything, didn't want eyes tracing his every move. _

_ he told you he just wanted you, and when you froze at the matter-of-fact words, he laughed. _

_ "isn't it obvious, kibum?" gentle, kind, unassuming. _

_ and you thought you should say it back, thought maybe you wanted to, but the block in your throat was hard and pointed, and they couldn't come through. _

_ you wish, now, that you had told him then, and all the days after, told him over and over. _

_ that all you wanted was him, too. _

_ all you want. _

_ still. _

⁂

three months after jonghyun moved in, taemin cornered kibum at work. 

"he's living with you now?" if the shock in taemin's tone wasn't unmistakable, the look in his eyes was. "is he some kind of kept pet?"

"he helps with rent," kibum replied quietly. "it isn't like that. he loves me. and i-"

"you don't fall in love," taemin finished for him.

"he's _ mine _," kibum whispered, harsh.

"oh kibum." it was pity and concern mixed with disbelief and kibum didn't want to think about why, he just knew he didn't like the combination.

"don't break his heart. don't break your own."

"mine," kibum repeated to taemin's back as he turned away. "_ mine _."

⁂

_ i love you. _

_ you know i love you. _

_ don't you know i love you? _

_ you practiced the words, over and over, a litany, a chant. i love you i love you i love you. until they lost their meaning, crumbled into little balls of wasted words. i love you. _

_ 'you don't though.' _

_ the voice in your head sounded sure. the voice in your head was cruel. the voice in your head was wrong. but you thought it was right. _

_ so you didn't tell him. not then. _

⁂

"i love you," jonghyun said, and kibum looked up from his phone. he must have looked terrified, because jonghyun laughed. "i just wanted you to know," he said. then he shrugged. he said the words like they were easy, spilling from his mouth like too much water. _ i love you. _

kibum sucked in a breath, opened his mouth, snapped it shut, tried again. but the answering words were still trapped behind his vocal cords, still unwilling to exit. jagged edged angry barriers in their way. 

unwanted tears slid from under his eyelashes, desperate and hot. and to kibum's horror, they didn't stop, spilling over and escaping. beyond his control. jonghyun stood and moved closer; touched his fingers to kibum's tears, pressed a kiss to kibum's hair. "you don't have to say it back," he cooed, like a lullaby. "it's okay. it's okay."

"don't leave me," kibum hiccupped. "don't. i want you to stay."

"as long as you want me," jonghyun whispered. "it's enough."

⁂

_ "i love you." _

_ he always said it just before he fell asleep. in lieu of "goodnight", of "sweet dreams", never waiting for the answer he knew you couldn't give. you would curl arms around him as he drifted off and accompanied by his regular breathing you would practice the words again. _

_ i love- i- i love y- lov- _

_ now, in the darkness of your too big apartment in your too big bed you can say it back. _

_ "i love you too." _

_ but he isn't there to hear. _

⁂

"i care a lot about you, you know," kibum announced one day, when he walked in through the door. jonghyun looked up from his book.

"okay? and yes i do know." jonghyun's smile was quizzical, amused and indulgent, and kibum wanted to smack him.

"i'm serious."

"i know. me too."

kibum stalked over to sit next to jonghyun and jonghyun laughed at the scowl on his face. "why the sudden declaration?"

kibum shrugged. "i just. i needed you to know." he leaned his head into jonghyun's shoulder so he wouldn't have to meet his eyes.

"okay." jonghyun reached over to pull kibum closer by the hips. "okay."

⁂

_ love meant something specific to you; nothing like how other people saw it; not bright or rose-pink or hopeful. love, to you, was always black and blue. _

_ you told the story after half a year of staying together; told him of the man long ago, the first one who claimed to love you, the only one you thought you loved back. you told him about fingers digging too deep into your flesh and bruises littering your skin, about being opened up and stretched and pressed into, too hard too fast, about protests that fell from your lips that seemed to only encourage, pleasure derived from your pain. the way he always took what you didn't want to give. and the way he said after, the way he always said, "don't you love me?" like it excused something, like it excused everything. _

_ and you let it excuse everything. _

_ love became a bottomless pit where you never stopped falling, pain became constant, locked in this prison cell without the key; the one you had thrown away yourself. _

_ and always always the echoing words. "don't you love me?" _

_ perhaps the most terrifying thing is that you did. you really did. that was the only time you ever said the words and meant it. when you left him, his laughter followed you. _

_ "you don't know how to love." and you think maybe it's still true. _

_ jonghyun listened silently as you talked, his eyes liquid sympathy, and when you finished he tipped your chin up and made you meet his gaze and he said quietly, "he didn't love you. that wasn't love". _

_ you didn't reply, just leaned forward and kissed him. because by then you knew that too. by then, you thought that maybe love...it was the boy in your arms, the boy with the earnest eyes and tears on his cheeks, tears for you. _

_ you still didn't tell him though. _

⁂

they fell into a pattern of sorts; kibum working in the day, jonghyun working in the night, coming together in the four hours between kibum ending his work and jonghyun leaving for his. sometimes they would meet for dinner in a restaurant or cafe that one of them wanted to try, sometimes they'd squeeze in a movie. but mostly, one of them would cook and then they'll curl up together and talk; a little or not at all. kibum just liked having jonghyun against him, hearing the soft inhales and exhales of his breathing. 

was that love? kibum wasn't sure yet, but he was sure he wanted to keep it. 

⁂

_ you remember the phone call; the lazy scolding way you answered when you saw his name on the caller id. because it was four a.m. and it had woken you up. you didn't mind, really. sometimes he wanted to talk over the commute home, and you liked listening to his voice. _

_ but it was an unfamiliar voice that met your ears, an unfamiliar voice saying your name. _

_ "are you kibum? jonghyun's….kibum?" _

_ you found that phrasing weird, but perhaps the whole situation was weird, someone else calling you on jonghyun's phone at 4.05 in the morning. _

_ "there's been an accident." _

_ that's when it stopped being amusingly weird and just became a nightmare. _

⁂

a coma, they said. 

possible brain damage, not quite sure how lasting. they already did the surgery so now they have to wait.

the car hit him hard.

if not for the firm grip of jinki's fingers around kibum's arm, he might've fallen over. 

jinki, a fellow performer at the pub where jonghyun worked and the one who called him.

"he saved your number as _ my heart _," he told kibum. 

and kibum considered crying, but he thought maybe he'd end up screaming instead, and perhaps hospitals weren't the right places for that.

⁂

_ and now you wait. because that's what they said to do, wait while he lies there on the hospital bed, tubes attached to his limbs, oxygen mask over his nose and mouth, face pale and silent. _

_ his eyelashes are dark against the pallor of his skin and he looks...peaceful, young, vulnerable. and you, you wish you told him all the many times before. before this. _

_ i love you i love you i love you. _

_ you slide your fingers through his and squeeze and wish you could feel him responding. _

_ you say the words over and over. _

_ and you think, maybe, maybe that is what will bring him back. _

⁂

"you look a wreck," taemin remarks when he's at work the next day.

"jjong is in the hospital," kibum replies, and as he tries to walk away, taemin reaches over to grip his wrist, effectively halting him in his tracks.

"you look a wreck," taemin repeats, but this time it isn't snark, it's wonderment. 

"you love him." and that is said with quiet astonishment.

"shut up," kibum snaps, pulls his arm out from taemin's grasp and stalks away. pity had seeped into taemin's stare and it's something kibum doesn't want to face.

⁂

_ why couldn't you say it earlier? it's easy now, too easy, almost instinctive. _

_ i love you i love you i love you. _

_ overflowing from your lips, too much to stop. _

_ too late too late. and the hours drag by and the days and then it's two weeks without his touch and laugh and voice and you think maybe this feeling is what it means to drown. _

_ "take a sabbatical," your boss says. and it looks like pity, and you don't want pity. _

_ but you take it anyway, because your sales figures are falling and you don't really care. because negotiating is hard now, thinking is hard,everything is hard, even composing a simple email, and more often than not, you find yourself falling asleep at your desk. _

_ "you look like a wreck," taemin says again, but this time he passes you a sandwich from the cafè across the road and smiles. and it's kind. _

_ it takes you a flicker too long but you smile back. _

⁂

"you're so silly," kibum announces, as he settles beside jonghyun's hospital bed, two and a half weeks since the day. "getting knocked over by a car, who does that?"

"silly. jinki says you always rushed home to me after your shifts and that could be why you didn't see that stupid speeding beat the red light car. that's sweet, really sweet, annoyingly sweet. we're suing the heck out of them just so you know."

"the doctors say you're getting better. or at least, you're not dying. which is a good thing. right?"

"when you wake up, it'll be a whole lot of physical therapy because you've basically been a lazy ass for weeks but it'll be okay. we can handle that. you'll be okay. everything will be okay."

"it'll all be okay."

"we're gonna be just fine."

"..."

"jjong, please come back to me."

⁂

_ when he does wake up, you're not there. the nurse calls you as you're driving into the hospital carpark and you nearly lose grip on the steering wheel. after you park the car, you don't move for almost five minutes, the weight of everything holding you down. and you're terrified suddenly, afraid what this reality means, what the future might be, how to take the next steps. _

_ whether he would still love you. _

_ but when you step into his ward, and he catches sight of you in between the quick moving nurses, he smiles, easy and brilliant and still the same. _

_ hello, he mouths from behind the oxygen mask. _

_ and your legs almost give way, your heart leaps to your throat. _

_ but you're not scared anymore. _

⁂

"i love you," kibum says, as he draws nearer to jonghyun. the nurses are trying to speak to him, but he isn't paying attention.

"i love you," he repeats and it bubbles out like a prayer, a chant, a litany of promises. "i love you."

"i'm sorry i never told you earlier i'm sorry i was scared and had to wait until you nearly- i. i love you i love you."

he's collapsed on the floor beside the bed, the words still spilling out from his mouth, like the scatter of cherry blossom petals in the breeze. he can feel hot tears gather under his eyelashes. 

jonghyun's smile is bright bright bright and his eyes curve up into happy little slits. and when he reaches out and weakly grips kibum's hand and mouths _ i love you too, _it feels like every crack in kibum's soul is made whole.

⁂

_ i love you, he mutters, just before falling asleep, just like always. _

_ love you too, you say back. love you always. _

**Author's Note:**

> warnings: implied!past abuse for one character and almost death for another


End file.
